Why Do I Do What I DON'T Want to Do?

Again Mark and Debbie Laaser have been so blessed with words in regards to this explanation of the desire To Be Blessed.  In their book The Seven Desires of Every Heart they write “While affirmations are about what we do, blessings are about who we are.  A blessing happens when someone lets you know that you are special in their life.  They love you, they are proud of you, and they want to be with you.  When we get blessed, we believe that we are special in someone’s eyes.  When we are blessed, we don’t have to do anything we are loved for being just who we are.  It is a great feeling!”

I didn’t think he needed me to paraphrase that explanation.  I have read over the few paragraphs on this topic multiple times.  I realized I was having such a hard time because I was hanging on every word.  The book has been worth the buy for this one section alone to me!  It explained so much about what happened to me in my childhood.  Not only did I not receive affirmations growing up but often time was criticized with the intent to make me tougher, stronger.  If I wasn’t receiving affirmations about what I did I can assure you there were no blessings being given either.  In turn what happened is I became angry and sarcastic.  Then I spent a lifetime vacillating between victim and martyrdom.  The victim makes you feel that you have to sacrifice for others and that you have no choices in life.  The martyr believes no one will come help.  That is when you hear “I will do it myself”.  There is a lot of sadness in both these dynamics. 

Again I don’t want to paraphrase Mark’s words “when we don’t receive affirmations, we can feel guilty about the things we do.  When we don’t receive blessings, we can feel shame about who we are”.  Shame…  such a destructive part of so many lives.  That thing that drives many adults to prove they are enough.  I know personally that no matter how many awards, how many compliments, where I stood in sales in the country, how big the house, how nice the car, how much was in my bank account I was not enough.  There was always something driving me saying it isn’t real.  If they knew I you really was.  This is all going to fall down soon.  You are not as smart as other people.  The mental beatings go on and on.  I spent a lifetime getting my who and my do confused.  I thought that if I just did enough, was successful enough then I would be blessed. 

Mark says being blessed is one of our deepest, most primal needs.  We all want to know that if we were taken down to nothing that someone would still love us just for who we are.  He goes on to talk about how being blessed by your parents is the place that self esteem is built.  When your self esteem is stable you are not emotionally tossed to and fro like a ship in a storm. 

As I once again read this part I get overwhelmed with how hard it has been to trust that God would bless me.  That God even cared.  It has also been hard to think that he would help me.  We get our concept of God from our earthly father.  I have spent a lifetime trying to get a God different from him.  Reading this makes me realize why the struggle has taken so long and been so difficult.  When you are raised being ridiculed and made to be self sufficient by the people with skin on them why would you trust that the one you can’t physically see or touch would care more? 

Thank goodness that the Lord finally made that break for me and that I see him as being sufficient, loving, caring, etc.  However, I continue to discover ways that my self reliance rears its ugly head.  I continue to pray that I will feel God’s desire to come help me, trust that he loves me enough to care for me and that I can accept that I am worthy to receive his help. 

This section was pretty emotionally charged for me.  I highly recommend the book The Seven Desires of Every Heart but I mostly I pray that God will begin to peel away the scales from your eyes so that you can see those things that have been blocking you off from the sunlight of the Holy Spirit. 

As most of you know I work with individuals in some type of recovery from addictions, anxiety, and depression using a process called the Genesis Process.  The lies that I have lived my life based on have been revealed by doing this process.  Once again I can see how the Lord has redeemed those places that my earthly parents humanly were lacking.  God really cares about all the hurts.  He wants to put us on rock so that we are stable and strong in Him.

Blessings ~ Tammy Hardin, Your Relapse Prevention Specialist