Why Do I Do What I DON'T Want to Do?

Posts Tagged ‘relapse prevention’

Life is so interesting to me. I hired a pitching coach to work my son this season and it reminded me so much of the clients I work with everyday. The first thing they discussed was where did my son want the ball to go? Now that seems like a stupid question, but is it? When is the last time you thought about where you wanted your life to go? We all have these wishful thinking things, I wish I had a certain amount of money in the bank, I wish I were out of debt, I wish I had a different job, a different marriage, was a different kind of parent, could stay sober, could lose weight, etc. you get the picture.  

 The next thing he worked on was balance, how important it was to stay balanced so that the ball will go where you want it to go. It struck me how balance is one of the keys in life. If you work too much, play too much, spend too much, watch TV too much, stay locked onto your computer too much, eat too much, etc. you will obviously be off balance. When we are off balance our lives lose the focus of where we intend for them to go and often times the more off balance they become the more we dig into the hole we are already in thinking it will somehow pull us out. It is sort of like a ship without a rudder or with a rudder stuck in turn mode spinning us in circles.

Then they talked about approaching every pitch whether practice or in a game the same. You will do in a game what you do in practice. Hmmm…isn’t that interesting. How often we find ourselves in a crisis (the game) and we do all kinds of things to straighten it out. We spend more time with God, we rebalance our priorities, we spend quality time in our relationships, we tighten down our budgets, etc. Whatever it takes to get out of the pain. But then during practice (the floating times) we let our guard down, get back in our old ruts and thank God that little crisis is over. Then we act surprised when we frequently find ourselves in a new crisis, we are baffled how that happened just like my son wonders why his ball goes over the batters head. Now if we do everything right in life will it turn out perfect, no. Not anymore than professional pitchers only throw strikes. But the more on target and focused your life the fewer crisis that come up and the quicker the recovery time.

The last thing that hit me was the little things that a coach can see from a distance that we can’t see for ourselves. Is your head up, even? Where are your eyes, where are you looking? How high is your back hand? You know fine details that make huge differences. I am always amazed at people’s responses as I share with them little adjustments that I can see need to take place in their life and what big impact they have when they take action. Let’s take for instance if you are new in sobriety get on your knees (specifically on your knees) and ask God to keep you sober in the morning and thank Him for keeping you sober at night. You would not believe the number of people that have rolled their eyes at me when I suggested this regiment. But you will also not believe how many people have come back to me and said that is unbelievable. I thought you were crazy but there is something about humbling yourself on your knees and then asking for help. Or I often recommend reading the scriptures laid out in Victory Over Darkness to remind you Who You Are In Christ. Again I get many eye rolls and yea rights followed up with disbelief how such a simple thing gives just big results. There is something about being able to have enough distance from someone to be able to see little changes in their lives that will produce big impact. There is also something about wisdom and having a lot of so called tricks up your sleeve.

Blessings as you keep taking action toward health and wholeness.

Tammy ~ Relapse Prevention Specialist

I am currently teaching a Genesis Change Group and this week’s topic is FEAR!  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that “fear is an evil and corroding thread and that our existence is shot through with it”.  Wow those are some pretty strong words.  After all these years I can tell you without question fear is driving THE bus.  That is what motivates most everyone to act out in unpleasant manners.  Fear is the thing that says “I am scared that I will not survive so I need to numb (drugs, alcohol, food, anger/rage, sex, etc.) in order so I won’t have to feel this pain”. 

As we learn in the Genesis Change Process fear has three responses Fight (anger), Flight (escape) or Freeze (play dead, go numb or appease).  Anger is probably the one that I personally have pulled out of the rabbit hat more than any others.  It can seem like an effective response because it appears to increase control, which reduces vulnerability.  When kids grow up in an abusive home (alcohol, physical or emotional) they are often shamed, they in turn become bullies and begin to protect themselves by shaming others. 

Anger is designed to anesthetize the emotion of fear.  Remember God has made you in His image.  As stated in The Genesis Process for Groups Book 1 “ALL of your emotions were designed by God for your good and can be used both positively and negatively.” (Michael Dye, CADC, NCACII, 2006)  That had never occurred to me.  ALL my emotions are designed by God for good.  Wow!  I guess this is like the brick story.  The brick is a brick, it can be used to build a house for comfort, protection or it can be thrown through the window in an act of violence.  The brick is still just a brick.  Wow!  When you grow up in an abusive home you are so off kilter all the time in regards to emotions.  People are raging one minute and telling you it didn’t happen the next.  You become so unsure of fact and try to make sense of it all with the limited knowledge of a child that it creates so much anxiety.  Children are pretty self-centered so they typically assume that the problem is them and they begin to think they have some control over it, that they caused it and can fix it.  Big responsibility for a kid! 

My experience in working with individuals is that most people are trying to anesthetize fear of criticism, rejection, abandonment, disrespect, shame, embarrassment, secrets, vulnerability and especially intimacy.  Have you ever said “that guy really pushed my button”?  Have you ever gone from 0 to 100 in less than one second and you are not really sure what happened afterword? That is a sure sign that you are responding in the current to a past hurt.  I want to reassure you it can all be redeemed.  No one is too broken to be fixed.  Jesus worked with a lot of hard cases!  Then the thing every addict hates to hear; You have to FEEL to HEAL.  I wish there was a shortcut or work around but the truth is you have to begin to feel again both good and bad in order to walk in freedom from anxiety, fear and addiction/compulsions.  We will continue to talk more about what it takes to walk through that process.  I will remind you that if it was easy everybody would do it!

Blessings ~

Tammy Hardin, Relapse Prevention Specialist and Life Coach

Works Cited

Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Michael Dye, C. N. (2006). The Genesis Process Change Group Book 1. In C. N. Michael Dye, The Genesis Process Change Group Book 1 (p. 35 and 36). Auburn, CA: Double Eagle Industries.

 I am currently reading Mark and Debbie Laaser’s new book The Seven Desires of Every Heart .  I have found it quite fascinating and eye opening.  I thought over the next week I would take each of the desires and expand upon them.  Each one of these so resonated with me and the perils of growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home.  You know my parents weren’t these horrible people that didn’t feed me or beat me but the subtle emotional scars that I have been working a lifetime to overcome remain part of my story.  How grateful I am for people like the Laaser’s that have walked their own personal journey to help show the rest of us the way. 

To Be Heard and Understood; such a powerful desire by every child and adult.  You don’t realize it until you sit with that thought.  How often do we feel we are neither heard nor understood.  I think about my favorite aunt, my grandmother, my favorite teacher, etc.  do you know why all those people are my favorites they listened to me.  They took the time to have a conversation with me.  They heard my frustration of my household, moving all the time because my parents were military, my brother that had invaded our household, just life things that I was having a hard time trying to sort out in my head.

Laaser talks about how when we feel we are not heard you see people do things like scream or yell because we somehow think that if we say it loud and strong enough we will get heard.  Or you see people speak slowly and demeaning treating others as if they are too stupid to absorb what you have to say.  Then there is the talking really fast and holding the floor because you think your time will be up before you are finished.  And my all time favorites of “you always” or “you never” which puts people on the defense and the argument begins as each person is trying to protect themselves. 

But then he speaks the truth what happens in relationships “Sometimes, the people we care about the most are often the ones who seem to have the hardest time hearing us.  (Conversely, sometimes we have a difficult time listening to those we love the most.)  When we are invested in a relationship, our own emotions often distract us from truly listening, even if we have the best of intentions of doing so.  Great listening skills get trumped by our desire to be heard ourselves! And so we interrupt, or interject our own opinion, or figure out a way to get the focus back to our feeling, need, or opinion.  It is a difficult cycle to change, for we all selfishly need to be heard and understood”. 

What if we unselfishly listened, loved.  Loving someone by hearing their heart.  Standing there listening to someone you love without thinking about your rebuttal or how what they are saying impacts you personally but just taking their words and hurt in.  Can we love that unselfishly?  And then can we move the human interaction over to God?  We want to be heard and understood by God and God wants us to hear and understand him without all our selfish rebuttals.   Can we rest in the assurance of His word that He is working all things together for our good?  Can we accept that He really knows what is going on, He understands our perils?  Can we sit back and just take in His love, care and direction? Selah~

Tammy Hardin

Relapse Prevention Specialist

Directing hearts to God’s healing, One story at a time