Why Do I Do What I DON'T Want to Do?

Posts Tagged ‘pain’

Tonight’s Genesis Process group is going to be about protective personalities.  The pain we feel sometimes puts us in a position to create personalities that we believe will protect us from being hurt.  Those personalities can show up as tough girl/guy, the doormat, the hero, actor, needy, the phony, don’t mess with me, the Pharisee, numb, the wall, I’m OK, confusion, blank, lazy, anger, contempt, control, crazy, the scapegoat, loser, independence, the ice princess, the bully, the doormat, the victim, sister super servant, over achiever,  or fill in the blank….  We hide behinds these other personalities as a means to manage our exposure to pain. 

Think about the last time you were angry or afraid because of criticism, trusting, failure, confrontation, etc.  Then ask yourself this question to expose the personality ….” How did I react or defend myself?”  Usually this is where you see that other personality rear its’ ugly head.  If you have a hard time identifying it ask yourself, “in the atmosphere I grew up in, how did I survive or cope?” 

This was eye opening the first time I did it.  I had never considered myself a bully but that was the first personality flushed.  I intimidated people and I liked it.  It gave me power.  So please understand why this stuff is so hard to give up.  There are so many lies around what it is doing for you.  Of course most of us don’t measure the cost of what it is doing to us until we have paid a pretty high price. 

 I had someone tell me one time “who wants to pet a porcupine”.  Sounds funny but the truth was that when I was criticized, having a trust issue, was feeling like a failure or being  confronted here came those sharp spines backing off anyone that came near.  I would lower my head and attack.  Let us just say that it makes folks not want to work or play with you when that is how you handle your hurt.

Tonight some folks are going to get set FREE as we begin to call out that protective personality and relieve it of it’s’ duty. 

We will go through the process of looking at:

• What’s its job?
•  How it does its’ job?
• What would happen to you if it wasn’t there?
• How old is it? How big is it?
• Releasing it of its role in your life.
• Transferring those areas of responsibilities/fears to Jesus
• Asking Jesus to minister to the child (personality), trusting Him.

FREEDOM!  FREEDOM!  Walking in true freedom with Christ!   There are some folks going to leave class tonight completely different than they walked in!  Woo Hoo, I can’t wait. 

Blessings ~ Tammy

Tammy Hardin is a Certified Relapse Prevention Specialist, Life Coach and Biblical Lay Counselor.  She uses her 20 plus years working with addictions to “set the captives free”.  To learn more about her mentoring processes visit her website at  www.emotionalandaddictionrecovery.com

I was reading a posting forwarded to me this morning from Seth Godin’s blog called The Problem with Positive Thinking.  In the post he writes “Key question then: why do smart people engage in negative thinking? Are they actually stupid?

The reason, I think, is that negative thinking feels good. In its own way, we believe that negative thinking works. Negative thinking feels realistic, or soothes our pain, or eases our embarrassment. Negative thinking protects us and lowers expectations.”

I found his comments so interesting.  I have struggled in my life with having that attitude of gratitude, always being positive, seeing the glass half full instead of half empty, etc., etc.  This is a great place for Christians to really beat themselves up and experience guilt and shame.  We need more of that you know!  KIDDING!

It hit me that I have felt that if I didn’t honor my pain I was somehow stuffing it or living in denial.  It hit me this morning that it was a lie.  Along with the 52 million other lies that I have lived off of this is yet another one.  Growing up in a chaotic alcoholic family where no one is talking about the white elephant in the middle of the living room I moved to a place of recovery where people “got it” and listened.  They validated my “truth”.  But it so often I see people get stuck right here.  The negative feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc that they grew up become so familiar that they in themselves become a somewhat of an addiction, a familiar place to take your pain.  At some point in every recovery there has to be a shift at where you give yourself permission to have fun, be happy, etc.  I have watched people in recovery spend years wearing mourning clothes for a lost childhood, adolescence, your adulthood, etc.  That in some way that is honoring the past person that grew up in that alcoholic home or became an alcoholic themselves and endured the abuse of that environment. 

So my challenge for the days is what would happen if instead of looking at the harshness in each situation you saw the joy?  What if in each situation instead of looking at the bad, you focused on the good?  What would happen?  Would that really mean denial?  Would that really mean you weren’t seeing the truth? 

Truth is so evasive.  Truth has multiple sides and what I have learned is that what I see or hear and especially feel is not always the whole truth.  I never know what God is working on for my good at any single moment.  When you get to your mid-40’s the thing you realize is that in your life things that you thought were the most incredible opportunity have turned out to be nightmares and the things that you thought were the end of the world have turned out to be incredible blessings. 

So just for today I challenge you to choose positive in all situations.  Just for today honor that childhood lost, that teenager lost, that young adult lost with positive energy/thought.  Just for today focus on the word of God in Romans 8:28 “We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.” 

Today choose to honor God’s truth, God’s word rather than your pain and your interpretation of the truth/reality.  God works off a different playing field than the world.  Just for today choose to believe what He says about you rather than what you think or feel about you!

Blessings ~

Tammy Hardin, Relapse Prevention Specialist and Life Coach

There are lots of ways we use to cope from pain, anxiety and/or stress.  Somewhere along the way everyone gets emtional hurts.  We are hurt by something said or done to us.  It can be Johnny kicking over your sand castle when you are 5 or some insensitive hormonal 14 year old calling you fat in middle school.  But hurts are created, we ALL have them.  But what happens next is what makes the difference do we own them as truth or as someone’s opinion?

The Genesis Process is a process used to reveal the lies that we have been living our life as if they are truth.  It gives you concrete tools to assist you in looking at what you have been afraid to look at and have been driving your coping behaviors like controlling, rage, compulsive over eating, drinking, drugs, etc.

I usually am reading 4 or 5 books simultaneously I guess that answers why it takes me so long to finish one.   Anyway I have been reading Emotional Bullshit  by Carl Alasko, Ph.D. (yes that is really the title) for the past couple weeks.  Great book, get past the title.  So I got to his three questions that I will share with you.  I don’t want to lose any of its flavor by paraphrasing I am going to copy it verbatim….. 

“Every time you experience some level of anxiety, anger, pain or fear, or you’re facing a decision (even a minor one), or you’re involved in a conflict (even a minor one), take a few seconds to ask yourself the following three questions.  You may find your answer immediately after asking Question One, and not have to proceed to the next two.  The first question can be such a profound inquiry that the solution to your difficulty can instantly appear.  And your behavior can instantly change. 

1. Am I denying an essential fact or responsibility?
2. Am I creating a delusional reality to support the denial?
3. Am I deflecting my responsibility by blaming someone or something else?”

These are the questions you ask yourself before you go cope.  The coping that most of us do….compulsive eating, controlling, drinking, smoking, raging, fill in your blank is because we are not dealing with the answer to one of these three questions.  When I start to understand what is really going on then change can take place.

I have found that dealing with things from my past through the Genesis Process frees me up to get new activations in that particular area.  Freedom, peace, that is what we are all looking for!