Why Do I Do What I DON'T Want to Do?

Posts Tagged ‘coping’

Hungry, ANGRY, lonely or tired…what happens next?  I often have people come talk to me about what they consider a failure.    Failures can be small or large but I always ask the question, where were you on HALT?  Were you hungry, angry, lonely or tired?  When any of those exist we are more susceptible to not sticking to our plan of recovery.  It may not be that you go back to drinking/drugging but it could be that you got angry/raged, binged, or overspent and that shame smacked you in the face.  You were uncomfortable in your feelings so you used another coping behavior in order to change the way you were feeling. The reality is that if we pile up shame, guilt, etc.  the need to cope gets greater and the ways you cope get more serious, requiring more numbing. 

Please know this isn’t an original thought this is one of things that Alcoholics Anonymous taught me. It is one of the tools in my toolbox that I pull out often to gut check myself and others. 

Blessings….

Your Emotional and Addiction Recovery Coach

There are lots of ways we use to cope from pain, anxiety and/or stress.  Somewhere along the way everyone gets emtional hurts.  We are hurt by something said or done to us.  It can be Johnny kicking over your sand castle when you are 5 or some insensitive hormonal 14 year old calling you fat in middle school.  But hurts are created, we ALL have them.  But what happens next is what makes the difference do we own them as truth or as someone’s opinion?

The Genesis Process is a process used to reveal the lies that we have been living our life as if they are truth.  It gives you concrete tools to assist you in looking at what you have been afraid to look at and have been driving your coping behaviors like controlling, rage, compulsive over eating, drinking, drugs, etc.

I usually am reading 4 or 5 books simultaneously I guess that answers why it takes me so long to finish one.   Anyway I have been reading Emotional Bullshit  by Carl Alasko, Ph.D. (yes that is really the title) for the past couple weeks.  Great book, get past the title.  So I got to his three questions that I will share with you.  I don’t want to lose any of its flavor by paraphrasing I am going to copy it verbatim….. 

“Every time you experience some level of anxiety, anger, pain or fear, or you’re facing a decision (even a minor one), or you’re involved in a conflict (even a minor one), take a few seconds to ask yourself the following three questions.  You may find your answer immediately after asking Question One, and not have to proceed to the next two.  The first question can be such a profound inquiry that the solution to your difficulty can instantly appear.  And your behavior can instantly change. 

1. Am I denying an essential fact or responsibility?
2. Am I creating a delusional reality to support the denial?
3. Am I deflecting my responsibility by blaming someone or something else?”

These are the questions you ask yourself before you go cope.  The coping that most of us do….compulsive eating, controlling, drinking, smoking, raging, fill in your blank is because we are not dealing with the answer to one of these three questions.  When I start to understand what is really going on then change can take place.

I have found that dealing with things from my past through the Genesis Process frees me up to get new activations in that particular area.  Freedom, peace, that is what we are all looking for!

You know I’ve spent over 20 years with hearing “you have to let go of your old ideas or the result is nil” from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, on a regular basis but all of the sudden an entirely new level was unlocked.  The last two years has been about really challenging my ideas, my beliefs about myself and others.  I have had a lot of good stuff in my head for years that I could spout regularly but couldn’t live up to with any consistency!  Anyone relate?  But also burning in my belly was a bunch of ideas that were morphed from other people into my own.  Unfortunately these were the ones that were regularly killing me.  They were creating oppression, coping behaviors, self doubt and a whole host of other lovely things.  Truly they have been the termites in my foundation.  Everything good I would try to build they would either eat or eat away the foundation which made me crumble. 

What brought all this blog on….last night I was watching Trisha Greaves at www.healyourhunger.com do a YouTube on binge eating.  Here is the clip if you’re interested in watching Garbage Eating  but she said the most magical thing…”I DESERVE”.  I deserve to eat this because I’ve had a hard day.  I deserve to eat this because I haven’t eaten all day.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have spent an entire life with this old idea/lie of “I DESERVE”.   My “I DESERVE” has looked more like; I deserve to eat that, say that, drive like that because I have had a stressful day and no one understands.   I deserve to eat that, buy that, say that because I work hard and no one understands.   I deserve to drink diet coke, eat candy, ice cream because I have already given up so many other things and no one understands.  Wow, this whole rationalization of “I deserve” to treat myself and others poorly is a lie.  Then we add the “and no one understands” which brings on the isolation that satan loves best.  Remember he likes to get you isolated like the lions looks for the slow or sick gazelle.  They are the easiest to pick off.

The reframing becomes “I DESERVE” peace, “I DESERVE” calmness, “I DESERVE” a well balanced meal, “I DESERVE” to not be overweight, “I DESERVE” to feel good, “I DESERVE” to live a debt free life, “I DESERVE” to live in health and wellness of body mind and spirit. 

So the first step is to call out the lie just like any other bully on the playground.  When you hear “I DESERVE” the question becomes who said that?  Did that voice come from who wants your abundance or from who wants your destruction? Is what the voice is telling you “I deserve” does it support health and wellness of my body, mind and spirit or does it fuel my pain and coping behaviors i.e. destruction?  Most of you have heard me say cock roaches don’t like light.  When you begin to shine light on the darkness in your head you begin to be free.

For today may you walk free from the “I deserve” black hole.  Next time we can talk about not running your tank so low that you reach the “I deserve” level. 

Blessings,

Tammy – Your Emotional and Addiction Recovery Coach